Hello friends near and far, 

Today I wanted to address a topic that resonated strongly within many of you in the recent survey I conducted: self-esteem and body shame through a depth psychological lens. Here are some thoughts to explore in your relationship with your body, particularly during this time of year when we are saturated with images of bodies, skin, and “wellness” suggestions. 

Body Shame Transformation: The Tension of Opposites 

For a long time, the primary focus of my work has been exploring the meaning held within women’s experiences of hating their bodies. I, myself, went through a recovery process around this, I created and taught a course on it, and my doctoral research was focused on this highly “normal” experience of body hatred for women in dominant North American culture. 

This kind of body hatred can be seen in the everyday experiences of body modification efforts we engage in and are sold– the newest cleanse masquerading as “health” improvement or food tracking through apps like Noom that are sold as not-dieting… but that’s exactly what’s happening. 

And right next to the “non-dieting” focus of wellness culture (which is still dieting, to be clear) is the world of body positivity… Oof. Affirmations of self-love and body appreciation sit like bookends to the world of wellness culture. Love your body! Celebrate your thighs! Post pictures of your vulnerable body self! 

What are we to do with this confusing situation? On the one hand our bodies are toxified and aren’t to be trusted in terms of hunger, fullness, or what would actually feel satisfying within wellness land and, on the other end, we have pressures to love our bodies no matter what in the body positivity arena. Both ends are recipes for a sense of failure– if we fail (which is inevitable) on the wellness bandwagon we feel like a failure; and if we don’t actually, deep down, love our bodies we know it and, also, feel like a failure…

So often I see this dilemma– “If I can’t control my body with health or dieting efforts I might as well try to love my body, but I just don’t love my body…” This state is what we call in depth psychology the fertile “tension of opposites” in which a new attitude can be born, where true transformation can take place. It’s the place where the third, new thing can emerge when the poles are so opposite, so unworkable that we are asked to consider a different way and to be changed by this new way. 

Tension of opposites is when we can tolerate ambivalence, inner tension, not-knowing long enough for a new way to emerge. It’s an invitation to resist solutions too quickly, to not jump into the next health regime or self-improvement project before carefully considering our inner conflicts. We can circumvent the fertilty of the tension of opposites by seeking relief before we have understanding. But, if we allow ourselves to tolerate the discomfort of this tension, something new can be born. 

In my research focused on how women recover from body hatred, this experience was prominent when old behaviors no longer worked, new solutions had not yet arrived, and people were faced with simply being in the tension of not being able to change their bodies and not loving their bodies. What seemed to happen is that people ended up transforming rather than reacting. People found a road that had not previously been there internally and externally. 

My experience within this tension point is that my relationship with my body transformed from me feeling like I needed to be in control of my body, to feeling a deep, real relating to my body. This change should not be underestimated– the feeling that my body is a compass, a companion, and my duty is to be respectful of my body is a fundamentally different attitude than one in which my body is under my control and it’s my responsibility to make sure it behaves. 

This change from dominance to relating is the foundational shift I invite in my work with clients and is an ongoing journey personally as well. In a culture that is steeped in dominance dynamics, it’s just so easy to fall into controlling over relating. But that is the journey. 

So for today, I invite you to consider how you might relate to your body with respect a little bit more today. 

With care, 

Kathryn 

One of the most powerful ways I know to begin relating to your body differently is through movement that is not focused on body change or exercise. If you want to explore depth psychology, body relating, and intuitive movement, please join me on July 15th for my Embodied Depth Psychology and Qoya workshop! Learn more and register here.