What Are You Ready To Hear?
Hello,
This is the time of year when therapists start to hear a change in clients. In my own practice, I notice people's anxieties increasing around the darkening of the days, the movement towards introversion, the dreaded rise of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or depression. Yet I also hear more dreams. A bit more opening towards the inner world that can come with some unease if it's not the norm.
I usually love this time of year, I love the more tender feelings of fall before the full-on winter sets in. When it's cozy to be inside. But I didn't always. In my new book I write about how in the thick of body stress, I had a longing to be able to sit down and simply be ok. To feel ok in a quiet moment in my own skin. This time of year presses on us if we struggle to be ok with ourselves in quiet moments. Yet, it also offers us a chance to listen to our inner worlds more closely. To listen to what we are ready to hear.
As a therapist, there is an art to what is called a "well-timed interpretation". What this refers to is knowing when there is an opening in the client to hear something that they might be denying, avoiding, or simply missing in their lives or own behavior. But any good therapist knows you can't just say the thing that's been denied, otherwise, you risk a couple things: 1. In the best case scenario, the client simply doesn't hear you. It's as though you didn't say anything at all. Or, 2. On the riskier end, you break through a defense too quickly and harm the therapeutic relationship.
I've experienced both of these as a therapist and as a client. Many years ago, I found out that I was betrayed in a long-term relationship. I didn't learn about it until after the relationship had ended, but the shock and grief was just as rattling. In the immediate fallout of learning of this betrayal, I was trying to understand what my role was moving forward with this ex. A day or so after, a highly skilled therapist whom I loved, said to me, "You have no role in this." This simple, true statement sent shock waves through me. I felt like I left my body. She could see the devastation that hit my face upon hearing that I had no place in this person's self-discovery of what they were doing when they lied to me in our relationship. I had already ended the relationship, I had known something wasn't working, and now I didn't have a role in their lives, but this didn't mean I was anywhere ready to hear this truth.
The next week she repaired, explaining that she missed the timing of what I was ready to hear. It was such a profound lesson for me as a client and as a therapist. As a therapist, I learned experientially how vital timing is, how essential attunement is, and how no matter how true or brilliant an interpretation, the readiness must be there on the other side for it to matter at all. And, also, how to repair. As a client, I learned the value of showing up through rupture and to allow for potential repair. It was the first time someone in my life had said, "I missed you, I wasn't paying enough attention, and I hurt you." I learned how true it is that reality and psychological protectors are in an intricate dance. It instilled in me an immense reverence for the psyche.
This awareness of what we are ready to hear happens in therapy constantly and in our relationships. But it also happens internally with ourselves.We can't force ourselves to see something we aren't ready to see-- if we do, our psychological defenses come in to protect us which looks like minimizing, deflecting, dissociating, etc.
When we dream, we have the opportunity to listen to what we are ready to hear from the unconscious. When we have a flash of insight or intuition, we might be ready to receive something new or a new angle on an old problem. My favorite ways to listen to what I'm ready to hear are dancing with a question, asking the I Ching, or sitting in meditation in which I journey to my "inner council" or ancestors to ask for guidance. On this day of the thinned veil, I invite you to relax the hold on outward activity, pause, and consider the question, "What am I ready to hear?"
What are you ready to hear in relation to your life path, your relationships, your voice, what you're struggling with, the world's pains?
What are you ready to hear that you need to hear to become more clearly yourself?
As you consider these questions, know it's ok if a variety of things happen-- maybe nothing comes through, maybe you feel a flood of information and emotion, maybe you sense something subtle and can't quiet articulate it just yet. When I asked this for myself, I heard and sensed how it's ok if I take my time. How I am learning over and over again what pacing looks like. How I am learning right timing over pushing.
With care,
Kathryn